Did I Ever Say Why?

If you are here for another blog about an adventure, well this isn't it. Sorry to disappoint but its not.

I don't really know where to start. It has been something I have wanted to talk about for a while now but

it never felt right. Today feels different. Today feels like a good day to come clean.

There are 31 days between me and Canada. Any normal person would be thrilled. I, however, am indifferent. I think mainly because I'm a realist. I know that going to Canada is not going to fix my problems. I know that touching down on sweet sweet Canadian soil isn't going to change my attitude. I also know that having five weeks "off" isn't about to make everything better. Yet, its got to right?

Somehow going home has got to make it all better. Right?

Not many people know this because very few people have bothered to ask, but I am homesick. I think the reason why its really effecting me now is similar to the feeling of "almost not finishing" for people who run marathons. You've done the bulk of the run, the finish line now is practically just around the corner, but think of how nice it would be to let my legs give way. Its that last 5km. But who am I to say, Ive never run a marathon and I probably never will.

People always seem to forget that I am only half from here. Yes I have family here. Yes I have made friends. Yes I am happy (most of the time). You forget though that I left as a child and returned as an adult. Though not all your faces were forgotten, I was infact meeting strangers. Strangers that I had a great sense of love for and wanted so eagerly to know. But strangers you were. I too was a stranger.

There are two kinds of homesick. Theres the kind where you miss the food, your friends, the things people say, even the fact that people pull over when an ambulance needs to pass (yes I'm speaking to you NZ drivers!). Then theres the other kind, where your body is literally aching to be in another place. Here there is nothing anyone can do. Here your whole being is somewhere that you physically cannot be. It is here where you feel most alone, like the world you were once so eager to explore now feels like a place where you are no longer welcome.

Being homesick, I feel, is very misunderstood. No-one gets it unless you've been there. No-one gets it until your lying in the middle of a country people would die to see and your crying feeling helpless and alone. If this is a sliver of what people with mental illness feel, then you are honestly amazing. I can barely keep my head above water and its only cause I want to go home. I know why I feel how I feel, I couldn't imagine having no control over this.

"This" sucks.

As Nathan would say "its ratshit". (Not to be mistaken with ratchet).

This feeling of being homesick if definitely why I haven't been the greatest to be around for close to a year now. It is why I started my blog. I needed a way to distract my mind and remind it that where I am now is only a season. I needed something that would help me choose to be a better person. I mean, I'm in NEW ZEALAND! One of the most beautiful places in the world but I'm not happy? How the f*** is that possible? Being homesick makes it very possible.

Now I'm not writing this to make you feel bad for me. I have come to terms with how I feel, and have been feeling for the past year. I have done my best to be the best person I can be. I know full well that most of the time that person is not good enough. But I am trying.

I am writing this because people forget.

People forget that only half of me is of this land. People forget that I called Canada home for six of the most defining years of my life. People forget that my accent tells a story. People assume that I'm from places I've never been and are of cultures that are not mine. Some days the shock in peoples voices when they hear I am from Canada hurts. In the same breath when they ask me about my home I am so happy to talk about it. So happy to remember my beautiful country and the people within it.

So if you've made it this far, I want to say thank you. Thank you for allowing me the time and space to come clean. I also want to say sorry. Sorry to those around me I hurt on the daily purely because I can't see it; Purely because I'm too blinded by my own pain that its too much to recognise yours. To my friends and family in Canada, thank you for tagging me in memes and sending snapchats or messages. It literally makes my day knowing you think of me, as I think of you far too often.

Again don't feel bad. I needed to let you know in my own time. Where I felt safe and actually able to string a sentence together. Take comfort in the fact that it is hopefully coming to an end very soon!

Now I want to leave you with something I hold very dear to my heart.

This last photo is one of my favourite photos I've ever taken of home. Its not even a good photo but it was taken on a boat in the middle of the lake, probably going faster then we should (hence the lovely tilt in the frame). Everything about it puts a smile on my face when I so desperately need it. I hope wherever you are, it puts a smile on yours too.